Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility. This order is issued pursuant to ORD §56.32.01. The County has received numerous complaints regarding the injury and hazards your vehicle is causing to people, wildlife, and the environment of this County and we will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law if you do not promptly comply with this demand.

At this time, we have recorded multiple violations of federal, state, and local laws which have occurred while you were driving your vehicle and/or while it was parked and/or idling. Although our jurisdiction does not extend to the enforcement of state and federal law, if you fail to timely comply with this order, we will fully prosecute you under applicable local ordinances and we will report your non-compliance to state and federal authorities for possible further prosecution.

First. The noxious fumes that emanate from your vehicle’s exhaust, manifold, and cooling system create extreme hazards. We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z). The girls don’t like it much, either.

Second. When you started your vehicle last Monday morning, the toxic gases dispersed into the atmosphere killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time. This is a blatant violation of the Endangered Species Act of 1972.

Third. The incredible noise which blasts from your vehicle like a constipated freight train violates noise ordinances and constitutes a public nuisance. See ORD §§322.20.080-.210.

Last week, the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed the inside of the nearby bowling alley before we could convince him the bowling balls weren’t Vietcong soldiers in camouflage. Moreover, three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack when you drove by. Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.

Fourth. Your car is such a public eyesore, even the pigeons fly around it on their bombing runs. For the love of God, man, the pigeons are afraid to poop on it at 40 feet.

You must destroy this car, before it destroys us all.

Most Seriously,

Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare