Dear Dad,

There is no other way to say it; you are the best dad in the entire world. We all want to wish you a wonderful, Happy Father’s Day!

And, on this special Father’s Day, we think the time is right for us to tell you something special that we’ve wanted to tell you for years. Now that you’ve been our father for these many years, we feel that you’re at a point at which we can discuss these important facts.

We do not want you to worry or fret. What we’re going to tell you is quite important and you may, at first, feel that you’re world has turned upside down. But, you shouldn’t dwell on such feelings. Remember that we all love you very much and that will never change.

You’ve been such a great dad for so long, it’s simply not possible that anything would change our relationship or our love for you. You shouldn’t feel alone. You shouldn’t feel different or cast out. In fact, you should feel ever more a part of us – as our great dad.

For so many years you’ve taken care of all of us. You’ve selflessly devoted yourself to our upbringing and done so many incredible things for us. We’ve always loved you for that and for who you are.

We are your kids and that will never change, no matter what.

Now, you don’t remember this because it was so long ago, but back when we were school age, we actually adopted you. That’s right,
we adopted you.

Mom was at the hospital picking up her methadone one day when she found you wondering aimlessly on the sixth floor (just outside the mental patient lockdown) with a glazed look in your eyes and an empty briefcase in your hand.

Since our real dad, a no-good, drug-dealing pimp called Dooby White Shoes, abandoned us shortly after we were born, we needed a father. Mom found you, brought you home, and cared for you, and you became our dad. Your earlier memories were implanted by a hypnotherapist that mom hired, a fellow named Gaveislstenstiker. Didn’t you always wonder why you have that strange affinity for sauerkraut with peanut butter? We think that was the little “extra fine tuning” he performed when mom went light on his tip.

Now you know the truth. It’s all on the table. And, we love you more and more each day. So, go have another helping of sauerkraut and Jiffy, compliments of Dr. Gaveislstenstriker, put your feet up, and have a wonderful Father’s Day!

Love,

Your Kids