Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432

June 3, 2010

Re: Expulsion

Dear Parent:

As you know, your daughter has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several months now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that she now withdraw from our university.

The problems began shortly after your daughter began her schooling here. We understand that young people have a need to express their individuality. Indeed the fashions of our youth were often regarded by our parents as wayward and disdainful. We have thus attempted to be reasonably lenient in our attitude toward our students’ fashions. However, at some point one is forced to draw a line.

The first day of class your daughter came to her Geography course dressed in black paint. Just black paint. Although she had covered her entire body from her nose to her feet, she was undeniably violating public decency laws. Our staff and administration try very hard not to be judgmental, and we fully understand your daughter’s so passionately and audibly put argument that laws are the expressions of the values of those who hold authority in society. Had only she put it so politely. Regardless, although we respect our students’ opinions and encourage analytical thought, we are an institution of higher learning and must abide state and federal laws.

We might have worked things out more reasonably had your daughter cooperated with the campus police when they asked her to put on some jogging shorts and a school t-shirt. Regrettably, your daughter was prepared for this contingency. She handcuffed her left arm to the classroom radiator and her right arm to the Geography professor, Mr. Thompson. She also managed to handcuff her right leg to Mr. Thompson. Thus, making it impossible for the police to put any clothes on her.

Mr. Thompson is neither a young man, nor is he a slender man. The combination of being handcuffed to a naked, young lady and being tethered next to an active radiator set Mr. Thompson’s sweat glands and heart into full gear. This is why the paramedics had no choice but to cut off Mr. Thompson’s shirt and half his trousers to keep him from going into cardiac arrest. Of course, in retrospect, this only exacerbated circumstances in some respects.

By this time your daughter indicated that she was ready to go home. Unfortunately, she had previously swallowed the key to the handcuffs. The event came to an end when Mr. Thompson’s wife, Bertha, an administrator here at the school, heard that her husband was “getting naked with a young black student.”

Ms. Thompson, upon finding her half-naked husband in near embrace with a naked, young woman, ripped the radiator from the wall and slammed Mr. Thompson with it. Mr. Thompson and your daughter, now free from the iron heater but still locked together, fell to the floor. The weight of Mr. Thompson as he fell on your daughter forced her to cough up the key. The medics separated the two and the campus police restrained Ms. Thompson.

The doctor says your daughter’s ribs have healed nicely. However, in light of these circumstances, we must ask for her withdrawal.
We have, however, taken the liberty of enrolling her in our rival state school, so that she may treat them to a similarly vociferous outpouring of her youthful thinking -- and, perhaps she may graduate at some point.

So, let me say in advance for when she finally graduates, if she ever does --
Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure that someday she’ll do great in law school.


Dean of Admissions