Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432

June 3, 2010

Re: Expulsion

Dear Parent:

Your son has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several years now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that he now withdraw from our university. Although graduation is close at hand, it is a goal that your son simply cannot attain at our school.

The problems began shortly after your son began his education here. It was during his first term we believe he fell in with an underprivileged group of youths at a local drinking establishment.

The fact that he was drinking under age, gambling, and raiding the women’s dorms in his first years here was eclipsed when it came to light that he stole the Dean’s new Audi last November. However, even the grand-theft auto charges were relatively insignificant compared to what followed.

He apparently used the car to rob three convenience stores, two liquor stores, and a church -- and that’s just the information the police department has released thus far. From what we’ve pieced together, we believe he went into the church to ask forgiveness for his sins after robbing the liquor stores, but ended up steeling three silver candle sticks and a large upright organ. It seems that his peace with God was, like his academic record, fleeting. We’re still not sure how he got the organ in the trunk of the Dean’s sedan.

However, we do know what he did with the organ. He traded it to a local, eccentric farmer for two goats. Your son said he wanted the goats because he had a “craving for veil.” We still haven’t figured out that statement. We have figured out what he did with the goats. He set them free in one of his favorite taverns one Friday night. Apparently, it was “Rodeo Night” at the tavern.

The patrons, including your son, liberally shared their beverages with the goats most of the evening. Once the tavern closed, the goats wandered some two miles to the mayor’s house eating nearly everything in their path. After chewing up the mayor’s prize roses they vomited in his pool and passed out on the lawn.

Your son followed the goat’s example every step of the way and was found naked with rose pedals in his mouth, passed out on the mayor’s lawn with his livestock. The dean’s car was found upside down in the municipal swimming pool.

Unfortunately, your son’s behavior has only gotten worse since. Perhaps a more structured environment will yield better results for him. As soon as he is released from jail, he will be expelled.

We have, however, taken the liberty of enrolling him in our rival state school, so that he may give treat them to a similar degradation of test scores and morals -- and, perhaps graduate at some point.

So, let me say in advance for when he finally makes it, if he ever does --
Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure he’s got a great career in politics ahead.


Dean of Admissions