Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!

Our scouts have been following your lawn mowing routine and researched your driving record – and we think that you have what it takes to drive one of our high-powered riding lawn mowers in the nation’s fastest, toughest, wildest motorized speed race.

That’s right, Dad. We’ve tracked your straight-line cuts and the fine hairpin curves you slice around the rhodies. We’ve seen you weave through the flowerbeds like silk through a loop. We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan. We know you’re not just the average, weekend-warrior-in-the-garden dad. You’re our kind of life-in-the-fast-lane mowing machine!

So, put down that tame, domestic ride you’ve been putting around with. It’s time to trade up and take it to the big leagues!

Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop. These maniacal machines can rattle the dentures out of a healthy 70 year old. They are louder than a Boeing 747 on the flight line. And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line. This is NASCAR for the real man.

Drop your socks, and grab your clock! Get your bag, it’s time to drag!

We’ll expect to see you at the HRMSPD Trials this coming Monday at 6:00 a.m. As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee, so just bring the signed entry form below with you Monday and you’ll be hugging green-cut corners in no time. And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you! It’s just too cool, isn’t it?


1. Name: ___________________
2. Address: __________________
3. Occupation (former): _________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
5. Health Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
7. Expected Date of Return to Family: ________________
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)


I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary with respect to any and all proceeds from the above named insurance providers. I hereby waive all rights to sue HRMSPD LLC and anyone involved with the HRMSPD 500 for anything whatsoever, including negligence, gross negligence, and the provisioning of incredibly dangerous vehicles consisting largely of propane tanks and insanely dangerous kind of jury rigged jet-engines combined with large, sharp grass and limb cutting blades. I hereby release all the aforementioned parties from any and all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation. I hereby assign to HRMSPD LLC all rights, title and interest in and to any video, audio, or other performance or recording that includes me in the HRMSPD 500, including time trials, pit-time, time in the locker-room, shower, or bathroom stalls, and any accident or injury, regardless how explicit, embarrassing, or just plain ugly it may be. I will adhere to all rules of the HRMSPD, even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. I hereby represent that all sexual activities are consensual, even if they don’t appear to be. I will wear my helmet and safety goggles at all times. May God have mercy.

Signed: _________________.