Dear New Car Customer:

Congratulations on your recent new car purchase! We hope you are enjoying your new automobile. Although our company does not enjoy the visibility of many of the major auto manufacturers, our parts are in most automobiles, including the vehicle that you recently purchased. That is why we are contacting you now.

Quality is job #1 at Pooder Auto Parts. That’s why we take excruciating care in our quality control department. However, there are times when even the strictest of quality control measures do not catch every possible minor defect.

Based on our research and review of supply chain records, it appears that there were a few minor defects in some of the less significant parts installed in your model. There is no cause for alarm; however, we recommend that you refrain from certain automotive-type activities while driving your vehicle, at least until it is fully inspected and repaired by your dealer.

The bulk of the defects are contained in the emissions system and, aside from a few automotive “burps” here and there, these will not be noticeable while driving. However, you should be aware that a few slightly defective parts may have been installed in the steering mechanism.

The steering defects are limited in practical impact and will only affect steering when making right turns. Thus, to safely make a right turn you may make three lefts, or do a U-turn in reverse while turning left. Simply avoid turning the steering wheel to the right and you should not notice any steering problems.

There may also be a few slight defects in the brake system. We will send you a complimentary fresh pair of thick-soled tennis shoes every other day, as a workaround, until we can fix this issue.

Finally, you may notice that your airbags inflate for no apparent reason. This minor inconvenience can be temporarily remedied with the complementary deflation tool (looks a lot like a large hypodermic needle) we will send you. You might want to hold on to this tool while driving, just in case.

We appreciate your cooperation in resolving these issues, and would highly appreciate it if you would decline to speak with anyone identifying themselves as connected with any news program, newspaper, other media, Ralph Nader, or America’s Most Wanted.

Yours Truly,

Product Recall Unit Manager