BL-RS 343A
Office of Records
Central Building

We regret to inform you that our office has discovered that you and your spouse are not legally married. Well, at least not to each other. You may wish to seek legal advice from a licensed attorney.

Under the Clean House laws of 1968, §§24 USC 2484(b)(ii)&(iii), our office is required to transfer all records more than three hours old from paper to microfiche. During this process we do not typically confirm the data, but merely record it. However, we do, from time to time, find rather glaring issues which demand our attention. Unfortunately, your marriage certificate contained one of these undeniable mistakes. We have checked and confirmed the data. There is no mistake this time – your marriage (to each other) is null and void.

At the time you were married, the clerk who registered your documentation was a Mr. Jack Stonebyrd. Mr. Stonebyrd has not been in our employ for some time because of a number of personal problems. Regrettably, Mr. Stonebyrd helped contribute to the invalidity of your marriage license.

Mr. Stonebyrd was fond of his “juice.” In fact, he drank regularly every lunch hour. Usually we limited his duties to filing routine paperwork, and he did relatively little harm in the back office. Occasionally he would make it to the front desk when no one else was around. It appears he was at the desk the day your paperwork came in, and he had already finished his “lunch.”

To make a long story short, he crossed the names on your marriage certificate and that of another couple. Thus, you and your spouse are not married to each other, but to a Ron and Judy Flathead, respectively. Consequently, one of you now has four more children, Jon, Jack, Timmy and Bertha. We have contacted the Flatheads, and it appears that there may be a simple solution to this whole mix-up.

Both Ron and Judy have indicated that they are swingers who are “tired of the swapping scene.” They both say they are ready to make “one final swap.” Both Ron and Judy have been unemployed for nearly two years and they have expressed a strong desire to “get out of the house again.”

Since the children are still young (Timmy, the oldest, is fourteen and almost ready to stop breast feeding) and have nearly gotten over their bout with the lice, they feel that this would be a good time to make the swap. Thus, they are willing to take their chances with their respective marriages to each of you.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. We would, however, like to congratulate you on your new marriages and your new four little Flatheads.

Congratulations on your wedding(s)!


County Clerk