URGENT MESSAGE: CONFIDENTIAL

We didn’t want to bother you while you were away from the office. We know that this time off was very important for you, and we really tried to take care of matters without your involvement.

At first we didn’t think you’d mind a little problem. Then we thought we could take care of most of it ourselves before you returned. Then the insurance company became uncooperative and began making unfounded allegations rather than dealing with our claims. We still thought we could take care of things, until the police got involved.

When you were named on the first subpoena, we thought maybe it was time to contact you, but we lost the name of your hotel. Then when Mary came down with hepatitis our focus kind of shifted.

Perhaps some clarification is in order. You haven’t met Mary; she’s new. Well, she was new. However, she’s no longer with us. Not that she died, or anything. Not yet. She just doesn’t work anymore. By the way, did you eat anything at that last lunch meeting? Mary had a leftover sandwich from that meeting right before her hospitalization. They are still running tests.

So anyway, after the initial crisis, letters from attorneys started pouring in and then there was this flood. It wasn’t really a flood, as in torrential rains or anything, but the water pipes did burst over your office. Fortunately, the water washed away most of subpoenas, and our lawyer has thus been able to receive a 15 day extension, which means you won’t be due in court until this Wednesday.

When you come back, you may want to wear something inconspicuous, like a disguise. Avoid anyone in uniform and don’t talk to anyone with a microphone, a camera, or a note pad. If you call the office, you may want to disguise your voice and use the code name we created for you, Harry Crumper.

Don’t worry, I’m sure once they find your car we’ll be able to work most of this out. Your attorney says you’ll get no more than three years if you cooperate.


Welcome Back!