County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...

...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).

...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time

...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.


Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare


Health Insurance Denied: Too Many Rubbing Freezers

Re: Health Insurance Application Denial

Dear Applicant:

Our name may be unfamiliar, but United Health Insurance Underwriters underwrites health insurance for many carriers around the nation. ...Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application for health insurance...

...In your application, you indicated that you have been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, since you were four years old. We initially thought all the black resin in your lungs was just from your six years working in a coal mine...

...Your taste for a “Rubbing Freezer” as you put it (rubbing alcohol, anti-freeze, and a splash of 7-Up) is not only unusual, but highly lethal...

Lastly, we do not consider “alligator wrestling,” “timed bomb defusing,” or...

Based on the above, your HRI score, on a scale of 1 to 100, came out to about 246...

We have one policy that we can offer. Our Knockin’ on Death’s Door health plan... No agent will visit you. We’ll just send you the form and a bill.


Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!

Our scouts have been following...

...We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan.

...Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop... And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line...

...As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee...And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you!

1. Name: ___________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)


I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary... all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation...time in the locker-room, shower, ...even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. ...May God have mercy.


Property Manager: Apartment Application Denied

Re: Notice of Application Denial

Dear Rental Applicant:

Your potential future landlord recently retained our services as the management company for the property in which you have expressed an interest in renting. ...We must decline your application.

Our decision is based upon five factors.

...At your last apartment, you were found to have kept at least three pets inside your apartment. ...Alleging that the complex had a pest problem and complaining that the landlord should call an exterminator to take care of the mice around the building was a transparent ploy...

...Your repeated attempts to avoid responsibility for your actions by shifting the blame to the “bikers upstairs” is a sad reflection on your attitude toward your fellow residents and another example of your pathetic attempt to shift blame.

...Wild driving, reckless vandalism, and unauthorized use of pesticides are not qualities we look for in a tenant.

Finally, the Central Collection Agency says... Good luck in the future, whenever you get better -- somewhere else.

Best wishes,
Property Manager


Notice of Land Use Restrictions.

RE: Notice of Land Use Restrictions - Parcel 23849284-39

Dear Prospective Homeowner:

...the area in which you plan to purchase has been classified as a safe harbor habitat for a number of protected species. This area falls under the protection of The Native Species Protection Act of 1992, §42 USC 2345...

...comply with the following rules to ensure the safety of the aforementioned species:

(1) Do not take any act or omission that may impact the natural habitat of the above-mentioned species;

...(4) Never wear plaid when on the property*;

(5) If you barbeque, limit your menu to vegetables and tofurkey;

...(8) Always put your pants on one leg at a time.

If you have any questions, please do not contact us. Trust me, you don’t want to talk to us.


Chief of Staff